Abstract nudes in garish primary colors cover the walls of the dirty, trash-filled living room of a bizarrely symmetrical second-floor apartment in the city. In the small kitchen, dishes fill the sink; the remains of a colorful meal for two sit on the table. The nominally separate bedroom is filled with books. In back-center the bathroom invites the eye.
MAZY (sitting on the floor looking in a disproportionately large triangular mirror as Susannah, seated on an orange couch, braids her blue hair):I want to give you a hint, I do, but the gods ain’t nice, glory be to them, so why should I be? Besides, this is Tibet.
SUSANNAH: Did he say, ‘gosh, this sure is a good blowjob?’ I don’t know, Mazy, just tell me.
THEO (entering without knocking):Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
SUSANNAH: You dishonor us, Theo! We are not fully dressed.
THEO: I was just down the street across from Louanne’s eating a bagel, a very bad bagel by the way, and you wouldn’t believe what I saw Isaac Rudd and her doing.
MAZY: Mr. Rudd and Louanne?
THEO: The very same.
SUSANNAH: Suppose you leave while we finish getting dressed, Theo?
THEO: Have you started?
SUSANNAH: I was about to.
MAZY: I wasn’t. I think I might stay naked all day.
THEO: How delightful! I think I’ll join you.
SUSANNAH: Please don’t.
THEO: Why not? I’m quite confident Don would appreciate the degree to which my balls itch. It’s very hot, you see, and —
SUSANNAH: That’s quite enough.
MAZY: What were you saying about Mr. Rudd and Louanne?
THEO: On my honor as a Tibetan, I witnessed them shooting a pornographic film.
SUSANNAH: Ew.
MAZY: Good for them!
THEO: I fall somewhere between. On the one hand, ew. On the other hand, good for them.
SUSANNAH: Louanne is an old friend of my grandmother’s. God, I hope —
MAZY: Think your grandma’s doing porn now, too?
THEO: And… it was doggystyle. Did I mention that? Very impressive, I thought, given the probable arthritis.
SUSANNAH (after a pause):Somebody fuck me.
THEO: Yeah?
SUSANNAH: Not you.
MAZY: I’ll go down on you if you do the dishes.
SUSANNAH: Do I have to do them now?
MAZY: Yes. Wait. No.
SUSANNAH: All right then.
THEO (turning away, but peeking):Needless to say, I’m glad I ate that bagel.
MAZY (mouthful of pussy):Why’s that?
THEO: If I hadn’t bought that bagel, I wouldn’t have seen Mr. Rudd having sex with Louanne, and the whole reason I came over here was to get that off my chest.
SUSANNAH: Don’s gonna be home soon.
THEO (after a pause):I saw my school teacher masturbating in her car in the parking lot when I was nine.
SUSANNAH: Lucky Theo.
THEO: You guys need any help over there?
SUSANNAH: Doing just — fine.
MAZY (cocking her head to listen):If I’m not mistaken, that was —
DON: Hell-o… what is this, an orgy?
SUSANNAH: Hi, we’re just —
MAZY: How was work, Daddy?
DON: Work was great. Just great. Pretty sure June’s coming by. That OK, Suze?
SUSANNAH (gasping):Sounds — sounds great.
MAZY: What do you call it when a guy ejaculates but doesn’t orgasm?
THEO: I don’t think there’s a word for that.
MAZY: But that’s definitely a thing, right?
SUSANNAH: Can you finish? I’m almost there.
THEO: It’s a thing all right.
DON: Damn this regrettable allocation of space!
SUSANNAH: Whew! (Panting.) What should we do now? Should we get dressed?
THEO: Want to create an idol and worship it?
MAZY: That sounds fun!
DON (from offstage):I want to worship the idol.
SUSANNAH: What would June think?
DON (entering):She’d be very disappointed, I’m sure.
SUSANNAH: Not for the first time, I bet.
MAZY: Ooh.
THEO: Shots fired! (A knock at the door.) I’ll get it. Who is it?
JUNE: Hurry up and let me in, it’s June, I’m fertile.
SUSANNAH: Um?
DON: She’s joking.
JUNE (entering):Uh. Hi. Hi Susannah. Glad you’re here. Cause, um… is it cool if Don gets me pregnant? I really want a baby. It’ll be our little secret. (Pause.) And Mazy’s and Theo’s. (Pause.) Please?
SUSANNAH: Uh, OK.
JUNE: It’s just that Don is so tall and handsome and smart and good in bed. I want my baby to be tall and handsome and smart and good in bed. That’s all.
SUSANNAH: OK. (Pause.) If the baby’s a girl, do you still want her to be tall and handsome and smart and good in bed?
JUNE: If it’s a girl, she’ll take after her mommy. (June and Don exit to the bedroom, where we can see and hear them fucking in an absurd dancelike fashion.)
SUSANNAH: Gotcha.
THEO: Well, here we are.
SUSANNAH: Nope.
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