I like Margot and all but it really got my back up when she suggested I start keeping a nightly gratitude list. Wasn’t she listening to me? I have real problems here. Like most people, Margot thinks that having a rich mother is a good thing.

Still, I guess I’ll give it a try. Nothing to lose.

7/12/05

1. That coming home and finding Annie’s not here (like she said she’d be) and not answering her phone wasn’t a big deal that kept me awake all night. Just until 3 am.
2. For limited buses that fly down 5th Ave, leaving tourists at local stops flapping their hands.
3. For not having to get up early every day and go to some rent job that I hate.
4. That I don’t think I’m so ugly anymore.
5. That I’m giving so little energy to worrying about whether the new client is going to rip me off for this last two weeks’ work.

7/13/05

1. That I didn’t go off on Deaver for being late again tonight.
2. That we made it to the Foundation’s annual event in time to catch Mother’s acceptance speech and that Annie came along without making it into a production.
3. That I didn’t say any of the things I’d rehearsed all day to Mother at dinner after her speech.
4. That Annie just wanted to go to sleep tonight.
5. That the client called with his Amex number.

7/14/05

1. That climbing all those stairs for to watch lousy movies and order out Chinese at Deaver’s makes me love my elevator building even if it is a post war gut job.
2. That I almost never see that skunk Dave with his pocketful of happy pills.
3. That I’m having less and less trouble falling asleep at night. (It’s only 1am and I think I feel sleepy all on my own).
4. For not caring what Mother thinks of Annie and me. Much.
5. That I had so much to do today that I couldn’t mope about Annie going off to Madrid without me and seeming to be so damned happy about it.

I don’t feel better yet. I don’t think this is working.

And it’s really tough to come up with five new things every single night! But I do want it to work and so I will not sit there in bed every night and write “For Annie” five times. Besides, I don’t know as I’m all that grateful for her anymore what with this big whoop-tee-do trip to Madrid on a fellowship. It’s all she talks about. As if Madrid was something special. It’s just another old European city with third world plumbing.

Who cares?

Turns out the moron client transposed two of the Amex digits he sent, so there’s another delay in getting that payment in. I so don’t want to go to Mother for help with the mortgage again. It’s not even as if she’s pissy or condescending about it when I do; I just want to stand on my own two feet.

So to speak.

8/23/05

1. That I’m trying this gratitude list thing again even though Margot stopped speaking to me (is that really a bad thing?).
2. That my long weekend in Madrid with Annie was fun after all.
3. That I finally got the first two payments from the client and paid my own fucking mortgage thank you very much.
4. For sangria.
5. That I can always get to those meetings again if things go south.

Courtesy of Circe Denyer / Public Domain Pictures